Sassafrass & Coffee

It’s been a while since I made a peep over here. I still owe The Absent Knitter a review of the bag she made for me. I feel awful about delaying this review!

But I have a good excuse, I swear! Chris (the boyfriend) and I have finally settled on moving in to our own place. We’ve been together for a year and a half, and I hope we’re making a sound decision. I am unsure as to how normal this decision is. We just accepted a place locally, provided it passes our inspection we’ll be making this Monday. We’ve been very busy in organizing and scheduling everything with no time for leisure really. He’s moving from another state entirely, so it requires more attention to detail than a move of less magnitude would.

I had a very bad experience in Worcester, MA when I first left my home after high school. I was hasty and desperate to prove myself in the “real world.” I thus made some unhealthy decisions out of both ignorance and stubbornness. I regret those decisions like I regret nothing else – they ruined my credit, they caused me to lean back on my father for a home, and they sent my confidence reeling. I learned from this very difficult lesson.

But I think I’m burned pretty hard. I had lived with a man out of sheer desperation to pay the rent. My original roommate had jumped the lease with me to pursue a college in Boston. She knew she could not legally do this, so she tried to replace herself on the lease with someone. She literally found a homeless kid down at the local java house and invited him to take up in our place.

He greedily accepted, not even knowing the rent. I was completely unaware of the situation, and was introduced to him on the day that he moved in. He didn’t have a pot to piss in, so to speak. No furniture, no money – just some clothes and a guitar. He also really loved Stevie Ray Vaughn. To this day, I can’t listen to it anymore.

This guy – we’ll call “Mick” – eventually came to realize that there was no way he’d be able to pay the rent without a job. He spoke to me on occasion about it, but in my frustration, I wouldn’t listen. I locked myself into my tiny room and stayed there until I needed to go to work the next day.

One morning, Mick woke me up and asked me for $5 for gas to drive to his parent’s house to beg for money. That was the last straw.

I kicked him out. And I moved my then-boyfriend in, at the ripe age of 19. In the blindness of love, he was the best candidate for the job. Too bad he never got a job, never paid a dime towards rent, and I had to support him in every way a mother should.

Eventually, after running myself into thousands of dollars of debt, with collection agencies on my ass, and no one looking at me with confidence, my landlord decided he would not renew the lease; he’d move his family into the place instead.

And there ended our relationship for a time. I went homeless. He went home. My family was none-too-proud. But when winter came and the campground I was living in kicked me out for the season, I had no place to go. My father took me back.

Since, I’ve been reluctant to leave. I’m afraid of the world and of relying people to help pull the weight. I have no confidence in myself, and I am scared shitless to embark on this endeavor.

But everyone seems to think that I’ve done a complete 180. I’m 25 now – not 19. I’m just a little older and a little wiser. I understand money and credit a lot better. I have more respect for hard work and paying bills. I understand things now, and I can cope better than a rebellious 19 year old greenhorn.

Maybe I say this again in the blindness of love, but I have faith in Chris. I don’t want to be blind – every since the incident in Worcester, I try to keep my emotions in check. But I really, really think we’ll be okay.

I just worry that I’m being naive again.